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I had no idea what I was doing. But I knew the name was mine: Soiled Wings.
Those posts (5 years ago) are long gone… gone with the ditched rinky-dink blog-platform I used before I learned better.
Back then I was going to be big…I laugh at that now.
But honestly, I was going to be a big faith-based blogger. And writer. I was going to push the envelope. Write in satire. Cutting satire that got to the truth. I was going to go to the big Catalyst Conference and rub shoulders with the boys. I was gonna be the girl who made it big in the hipster boys club. Maybe I could also be as cool as Anne Lamott. (okay, stop laughing…)
I wrote some good stuff. It got published, it got circulated in some of the right places. But keeping up that snarky edge in writing is not easy. Figuring out how to weave psalms and passages into it was stretching me (I thought that was a really good thing). And writing faith-based with an edge that doesn’t offend too deeply is an art. And it’s not easy to compete with the Big Whales, the boys that already held that street corner.
I wrote a book. Titled “Recovering Church Kid.” There are (at last count) 120,000 words. It might be 120,000 words too many. I went to writer conferences. Each one more confusing than the last. And now, I think I will never publish it. It’s good writing. Compelling. It’s been edited through the wringer. It can make you cry and laugh. According to the critique groups and friends (but friends will always say that).
But being the next big thing in creative non-fiction faith writing–it just wasn’t my fit. I couldn’t play nice all the time. So yeah, it took me a while to learn. That’s not for me. I liked it. I was passionate about it. But it lacked my ENTIRE passion.
It took me a while to learn. That’s NOT me.
That’s not for me.
That’s not me.
These are words I have said over and over in five years. Five frustrating years.
Five years of being stripped of everything I worked for in my early adult years.
Five years of depression.
Five years in and out of the pit.
Five years of friends that came and went.
Five years of doing some good.
Five years of writing, working, creating, coaching, reading, journaling, whittling.
Five years of faith crisis, identity crisis, trust crisis, friend crisis, passion crisis.
Five years of re-educating myself in passions and wondering how it pairs with the girl who had big dreams at 18 years old.
When I grew up, I was going to help others.
I was going to sing.
I was going to play piano.
I was going to write – creatively – music, lyrics, poetry, and prose.
I was going to draw.
I was going to teach.
Well into in my 4th decade I’m doing the thing I wanted to do when I grew up–but it took a while. See, there was a detour in my life…it lasted 20+ years. But five years ago, all the forces of nature started redirecting me… back to what I was going to do when I grew up.
And I have to tell you… what I do on Wednesdays… that “Bits of Truth” stuff… I love it. I get to make art for the backgrounds. Simple words that mean something–and can be a different meaning depending on who picks it up. And then I write a little somethin-somethin about it. Yup, this revs my passion.
And the art I do, that unless we’re Facebook friends, you never see. It’s my passion. The teaching I do–art journaling–mixed media–oh yeah, that is my passion baby. The one-on-one coaching, it feels like purpose.
The writing of posts that flow over 800 words… ehh.
Ehh is not good.
I wondered why I do a thing that is not my ultimate passion. And then it hit me.
Fear is why.
Because if I stop… well, I could lose readers.
Funny, the Wednesday posts are gaining interest…
And who was it that said: when you start doing the thing you are natural at, you will have success.
Success is when your soul is doing its thing…when you start doing the work prepared in advance for you to do. That is success, purpose fulfilled, contentment. Success is doing what you wanted to do when you grow up.
I’m there. (dear God I hope so…)
I have no idea why I’m rambling this to you, except to say…I guess things might change. I’d like to conquer the last bits of fear. I’d like to be fulling in my passions, 24/7. I’d like to do all the things I was meant to do, and NONE of the others.
I was never meant to be a Whale.
I’ve grown tired of the belly of the Whale.
Of playing it safe.
I think I’m just gonna do m’thing and roll with it.
I’ll still be here… but it might be different.
Because my soul is worth doing its passion…so is yours.