There are some “unwritten” church rules that I just have to share today. The short story is, there are people breaking these rules and well someone has to remind everyone…enter Me! I love all of you that read my blog, so let me just say…you now I’m gonna speak the truth in love about stuff (aka: speak my mind). Sadly I think it’s those that won’t be reading this post are the ones that need these Church Rules the most.
While these may not be the rules at your church, or even mine for that matter, I would like to say that these SHOULD be the rules. Note: as I started writing the rules, I went WAY over what you would want to read here today, so I kept this to only 7 points. So trust me, there is a similar post to follow soon. There are just so many church rules that everyone needs help with.
1) Being Late: If you are not in your seat by the time the first song starts you are not allowed to come in until a ‘break in set’. I went to a church that was this way. Once the music started up, the back doors were shut; greeters became guards and you were not allowed to enter and mess up the ‘vibe’ until the song was over. I have a feeling the pastor used to roam the lobby during this time to eyeball the latesters.
2) Candy and Gum (part A): If you know you have bad breath, then you must always bring mints, candy or gum. And you must use it. There is nothing worse than singing “Blessed Be The Name” while getting a wafting smell of a sewer. I’m sorry, it’s just not okay.
3) Candy and Gum (part B): Regardless of the reason for using mints, candy or gum – you must only open a wrapper during the loudest parts of a song, during applause or after the pastor makes a funny and the laughter will cover the sound of the wrapper. If you want to be extra stealthy, come prepared with the item partially unwrapped or just refrain all together from the gum in the plastic-bubble tray. Also Skittles, M&Ms and Jujubes are off limits…bad things happen when these get loose on the church floor.
4) Bring Your Bible: I don’t know what’s happened, but I think I’m the only person at church with a Bible… This is just super wrong. I miss the days of the pastor saying “turn to your Bible…” and you’d hear the rustling sound of wispy pages being turned in the entire congregation. No wonder most people can’t find Galatians, no one is getting practice!
5) Communion Tray: I have a lot to say about this, it could go from point A, B, C to Z. So I’m gonna keep this to one point. You do not eat the cracker, drink the juice, put the cup back in the tray and then pass to the next person. Maybe you are better than me and already got everything right with God, so you can do “speed-communion”. But where I come from, you take the bread/wine, pass the tray, hold those two elements while you have a moment or two with God, THEN you can eat and drink. PS: the cup either goes in your purse or pocket… or you can leave it in the little communion cup-holder in the seat/pew in front of you. You do NOT put it on the ground; you KNOW this will get accidentally kicked and painfully roll down the floor, noisily clinking along, till it lands at the pulpit. Much like the effect of Skittles, M&Ms and Jujubes. It’s not good. You WILL get the pastor evil eye.
6) Worship Time: a) Sing, don’t just stand there. Yes, I understand you don’t know the song (for the 6th time) – none of us knew the song either at one time. b) If someone is worshiping in their ‘special way’ (hands raised, swaying around, clapping off beat) don’t stare. I can’t even come up with something stupid to say about this – so just DON’T do it. c) You cannot, I repeat, CANNOT bring a tambourine to church. Save this and your triangle for use in the privacy of your own home. Note: it always happens that eventually someone brings the tambourine; very uncomfortable to figure out who the offender is without inappropriate amounts of staring and crowd gazing.
7) Offering: There are two things I find to be very important rules in this category. If you are blessing the church in big (or small) ways, that is awesome, but an offering envelope is a must. Nothing freaks me out more than the person who writes a check for $1,000 and leaves it face up in the offering basket. Nice…(not). Second, if you weren’t planning on giving that day (so you don’t have an envelope) but suddenly the Spirit moves you to give, and you reach in your pocket and pull out a $50, you cannot get “change” from the basket. God wanted you to give that $50. Just do it.
So seriously, I want to know: what is your favorite written or unwritten church rule that you want NEED others to know about? Leave a comment and hey it might give me some more good stuff for ‘Church Rules II’ post AND I’ll give ya props it if shows up in that post.
And now for a video to get you in a good mood for a super weekend! This might be a possible new way to do offering. I mean if it was good for David when the Arc came to town, then maybe… ? Seriously sweet moves. Notice dude with tambourine at about 50 seconds… again not okay. But at this church (in Texas), I get the feeling anything goes!