Usually on Fridays I have a lot to say that is snappy and spicy. And this Friday, I almost didn’t write because I’m in such an odd and different place this week. Trust me, I still have a lot of fire, but it wasn’t coming out onto the page. Instead every time I started to write, it was conversations with God.
And so I thought, “surely God doesn’t intend for me to write my personal feelings to Him for everyone to see”. I mean, that’s just down right vulnerable and uncomfortable. But over and over, it was all I could write. So, I gave up and gave in. And while the post took little effort to write, it did take effort in being humble and brave.
You might have noticed that lately I’ve been talking a lot about prayer. Much of it has been snarky – but that is always an indicator of something that I actually see truth in. It’s just like someone being sarcastic, so they can safely say what they are REALLY thinking. Every joke has an edge of truth.
So prayer. I’ve hit the tip of the iceberg and I’ve done a scary thing. I looked below into the water to see the real size of what lied beneath. What I saw was frightening, eerie, mystical, and beyond my understanding. So, I’m working through “prayer” and in doing so, here is how my most recent prayer to God sounded.
God, I don’t even know what to say anymore – I’m getting my head so mixed up with “prayer”. Or maybe, and I think this is true, that I’m not so mixed up but rather I’m being shown something new and right.
I’m at the point where my only hope is that the Holy Spirit can tell You where I hurt, what I hope, what I need, because I’m at such a loss with how to approach You. I’m not sure what to say.
I don’t think You’re in the business of dishing out wishes the way I’ve been asking for too many years. You aren’t curing the sick, You aren’t stopping earthquakes, You aren’t making our economy turn around. And I know You care about all this stuff – but it’s not Your issues to fix. And maybe I’m getting it, but what I think You’re showing me is tearing apart EVERYTHING I ever thought about prayer and how it works. And God, it’s freaking me out a little. So You’ll understand when I say…”I don’t know what to say.”
In fact God, I’m starting to think that the only thing You care to fix is my heart and my head. My finances, my weight, my friends, my back pain are all things I just get to deal with. But what You offer, when I pray, is comfort and wisdom and angels of protection when I mercifully ask to be kept safe if that’s specifically in Your will.
God, this is confusing stuff and it’s morphing my ideas of prayer, and what I should be praying. And I really feel like I’m starting over. From scratch. It’s like learning a new language and all I can ask is that You give me enough wisdom to get through this; that I find the words in Your Word to validate and comfort me while I get comfortable in these new things.
God, I’m a little worn out and my prayers are goofy right now – I sound like a foreigner with a broken language as I try to get this right and understand. So for now, can I just sit on the couch with You and say nothing? I just want to be near You, and just feel okay about what’s going on in my head and heart.
Oh and hey, God? Thanks. I can see that You took a moment of unanswered prayer to start a new thing in me.
Okay, so that’s it. Stay tuned when next week I dissect the Lords Prayer….something I worked on all week but just couldn’t finish up because I think God had this post in mind for Friday January 29, 2010.
I had to close this with a song, this is a song I love by Tori Amos called Indian Summer… it’s long and maybe you’ll hear why this song fits todays post.
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