Another Way

Usually on Fridays I have a lot to say that is snappy and spicy.  And this Friday, I almost didn’t write because I’m in such an odd and different place this week.  Trust me, I still have a lot of fire, but it wasn’t coming out onto the page.  Instead every time I started to write, it was conversations with God.

And so I thought, “surely God doesn’t intend for me to write my personal feelings to Him for everyone to see”.  I mean, that’s just down right vulnerable and uncomfortable.  But over and over, it was all I could write.  So, I gave up and gave in.  And while the post took little effort to write, it did take effort in being humble and brave.

You might have noticed that lately I’ve been talking a lot about prayer.  Much of it has been snarky – but that is always an indicator of something that I actually see truth in.  It’s just like someone being sarcastic, so they can safely say what they are REALLY thinking.  Every joke has an edge of truth.

So prayer.  I’ve hit the tip of the iceberg and I’ve done a scary thing.  I looked below into the water to see the real size of what lied beneath.  What I saw was frightening, eerie, mystical, and beyond my understanding.  So, I’m working through “prayer” and in doing so, here is how my most recent prayer to God sounded.

God, I don’t even know what to say anymore – I’m getting my head so mixed up with “prayer”.  Or maybe, and I think this is true, that I’m not so mixed up but rather I’m being shown something new and right.

I’m at the point where my only hope is that the Holy Spirit can tell You where I hurt, what I hope, what I need, because I’m at such a loss with how to approach You.  I’m not sure what to say.

I don’t think You’re in the business of dishing out wishes the way I’ve been asking for too many years.  You aren’t curing the sick, You aren’t stopping earthquakes, You aren’t making our economy turn around.  And I know You care about all this stuff – but it’s not Your issues to fix.  And maybe I’m getting it, but what I think You’re showing me is tearing apart EVERYTHING I ever thought about prayer and how it works.  And God, it’s freaking me out a little.  So You’ll understand when I say…”I don’t know what to say.”

In fact God, I’m starting to think that the only thing You care to fix is my heart and my head.  My finances, my weight, my friends, my back pain are all things I just get to deal with.  But what You offer, when I pray, is comfort and wisdom and angels of protection when I mercifully ask to be kept safe if that’s specifically in Your will. 

God, this is confusing stuff and it’s morphing my ideas of prayer, and what I should be praying.  And I really feel like I’m starting over.  From scratch.  It’s like learning a new language and all I can ask is that You give me enough wisdom to get through this; that I find the words in Your Word to validate and comfort me while I get comfortable in these new things.

God, I’m a little worn out and my prayers are goofy right now – I sound like a foreigner with a broken language as I try to get this right and understand.  So for now, can I just sit on the couch with You and say nothing?  I just want to be near You, and just feel okay about what’s going on in my head and heart.

Oh and hey, God?  Thanks.  I can see that You took a moment of unanswered prayer to start a new thing in me.

Okay, so that’s it.  Stay tuned when next week I dissect the Lords Prayer….something I worked on all week but just couldn’t finish up because I think God had this post in mind for Friday January 29, 2010.

I had to close this with a song, this is a song I love by Tori Amos called Indian Summer… it’s long and maybe you’ll hear why this song fits todays post.

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8 thoughts on “Another Way

  1. Sherry if you only knew how much that prayer fits right in with me,particularly the 5th paragraph.Something i had been praying for He answered for me yesterday.Its a long,long story and it was a long,long day yesterday but basically He gave me a test yesterday and although i answered a few of His questions right,I got too many wrong.(probably would be a grade of about 65 or so)I went in to very unexplored territory for me and got lost because i wasnt paying enough attention to the roadmap He provided me.But you know what,im jumping right back in today.And although i know im gonna get a few wrong today,I pray that it is less than yesterday.Satan is throwing rocks at me.I try to jump on top of every one he hurls but a few hit me right in the gut.But im gonna keep jumping on top of them til someday im up there so high he wont be able to reach me.Sherry,God has blessed you with a way to write words that many of us can understand & relate to.Dont sell yourself short,Your understanding of prayer & how you do it is very pleasing to God.Whats even better is that you try to improve a little everyday,never being just good enough.The grade on your test is already way up there

    • Thanks David. Really, seriously, thanks… I guess I’m learning that it’s NOT about praying for children to stop starving and being sold into sex slaves…and it’s not about making my back pain “disappear”…rather it’s about praying for my heart – others hearts – to be moved into action, to have the wisdom to do the right thing. We feed the children, we makes laws and get involved to stop slavery, and I get off my butt and keep doing exercises to help my back. It’s about God motivating and working through us.

  2. Sherry, thanks for your insights. I sometimes feel like I don’t know what to pray too and end up just giving God a to do list. And simply tell my self it’s noble because it is a to do list for him to do for other people. But what he really wants is to just “sit on the couch with us”. I got to go sit on the couch.

    • Thanks Tim – yeah, I’ve really had to look at what I’ve ben doing with God as my vending machine…. part of it has been praying for rain, when I should have been collection rain all along and getting off by backend and turn on the sprinklers!

  3. Hi Sherry,

    Reading your thoughts and prayers are sometimes scary for me. You see, sometimes it’s like when I’m at church and Jeff gives a message, that I know he is directing to me at that very moment, for it applies directly to what I’m going through. I give you kudos for sharing such personal thoughts. You touch my heart with every entry. For that my friend I am very thankful.

  4. Well of all Fridays, I actually grabbed my lunch and sat down at my desk and said – “yeah, it’s Friday, lets see was saucy stuff Sherry has to say today.” And boy, what you wrote instead just touched me to the core. I know I keep saying this, but your writing is the best gift I have ever gotten (they say the best things in life are free). 🙂 Your one statement in a comment back to a reader just officially changed my whole direction and purpose for my prayers “it’s about praying for my heart – others hearts – to be moved into action, to have the wisdom to do the right thing.” Thanks so much for your humbleness and bravery.

  5. Romans 8:26
    In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.

    Like everyone else, sometimes I read what you write and I feel like you stole the thoughts out of my head. I have been struggling for about 2 months now in my prayer time. Feeling disjointed, not able to pray “right” or express myself the way I want to (like God doesn’t know what I mean), or even being able to figure out what or who to pray for! That Romans verse has been really comforting to me lately, reminding me that God knows my heart, and that the Spirit interprets even I cannot understand what I am praying for!

    Love you and you are amazing to lay yourself out there for us all. I feel blessed by you everytime my email inbox shows another blog entry at Soiled Wings! ♥♥♥

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