I’ve realized I don’t have enough theologians in my personal contact list. I’ve noticed, at an increasing rate, I have a need to have several at my beck-and-call.

A 1-800-Theologian number would help. Even a direct hotline to my pastor would be awesome, because he is probably strumming his desk, browsing amazon.com for a new hard book to read and bored out of his mind, just waiting for my call. (NOT)

Better yet, it would be great to have a Pocket Theolarus – it’s much like a pocket thesaurus, but theological; with an index and concordance that magically morphs to your exact needs, and since we’re playing with magically delicious things – it also talks, like having the ultimate Pocket King Solomon or Personal Jesus.  I think Depeche Mode was really onto something with that awesome song.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve needed a really smart theological person to debrief with before or after finding myself in a situation that could use a good dousing of God-infused wisdom, be it for myself or someone else who erroneously was counting on me for wisdom (to which I have little).

Incase there was a slight chance of being the only one feeling this way, let me give you a few scenarios to insure you’re fully involved and relating to this conversation I’m dragging you into.  After all, we all know, misery loves company.

Scenario One

YOU:  A friend emails you with a gut wrenching story of suffering; your reply is “oh gosh, I’m so sorry”, you quickly copy/paste from biblegateway.com the overused Romans 8:28 (guilty as charged), and end the reply with “I’ll pray for you” (and if you’re smart you pray right then, otherwise you’ll forget until you gossip about the issue later in the week).
YOU + POCKET THEOLARUS:  Your personal Theologian / Solomon / Jesus would have first hit you upside the head for pulling out that “…God works for the good of those who love Him…” verse AGAIN, and then would have given you a better (more appropriate) scripture to use.  Secondly the theologian would have made you consider calling back instead of an email reply, and lastly would have had some wise words to say about suffering and possibly a great quote from CS Lewis, Oswald Chambers, or even from their own library of works. And if you made that phone call, they’d whisper the perfect words for you so say while on the phone, something like “…quiet peace through these troubled waters…”   Your friend would cry, then laugh, and feel so much better after speaking with you, their wise caring friend.

Scenario Two

YOU: reading a Bible verse that makes NO sense; or read two verses that seem like polar opposites contradicting each other.
YOU + POCKET THEOLARUS:  scripture fully explained in laymen terms and colorful easy to understand diagrams and charts; kind of like reading The Message, but even better.

Scenario Three

YOU: one of the many times heavy, hard to explain, spiritual topics appear out of nowhere? Those topics are like opening a closet door in your house and a scary clown pops out – you’re stunned, you don’t know what to do, and all you can do is scream. Such times are like the following: you’re meeting in your small group or house church and someone blurts out about infidelity, or a teen you know inquires about the kid at school who took their life, and will they be in heaven? Or your non-church friend finally asks you about God and why you do what you do as a Christian (and you haven’t been through the Walk Across the Room study yet – so you don’t have that “stump speech”). Your response: stammer, hem, and haw (scary clown!).  You might sound like Rain-Man and say “I love God, I love God, Uh-oh, fifteen minutes to Judge Wapner, Jeopardy, five o’clock…”  Or if you’re like me, you might say “Hey the Goodyear Blimp!” and when your friend looks for the blimp you exit stage left.
YOU + POCKET THEOLARUS:  we’ll let’s just say this person who is asking the questions is so overwhelmed with your cool collected polished (yet real and natural) response, thanks to Pocket Theolarus, that they dedicate (or rededicate) their life to God and you both have this huge God moment that will get worked into all your future testimony stories. All because Pocket Theolarus knew just what to say that would touch their heart and remembered all the Roman-road steps to salvation.

I hope you’re with me now; and see the great importance in having access to your own Pocket Theolarus. Even when I’m writing this stuff for the entire world to see, all 7 of you, I wish I had my own Personal Jesus for editing; pointing out the good funny stuff to run with and then warning me of the “edging close to heretics” stuff as my humor and chutzpah goes over the line.

I know I just made up “Theolarus” – but it’s a great idea.  Someone has got to run with this idea.  Since Webster is old-school, chances are they will never get on board with this idea; so I’m thinking Steve Jobs is the man to pull it off.  But to date I have not seen the iTheolarus top-secret info sneak out to the internet, nor is there a good Theolarus app.  As such, I’ve been thinking how to better take the matter into my own hands; determining what hard book to read next so I could get better at leaning onto my own understanding, maybe even run away to seminary so I’d be better adept at life’s unexpected moments and become a walking Theolarus.  And as I was reading my next hard book, the author started reminding of a Great Counselor left for me, to help in life’s awkward moments so I wouldn’t feel like such an inept bumbling orphan.  Ugh, seems hard book dude is trying to tell me ‘game over’ and that somehow I already have a Pocket Theolarus at my beck-and-call.

But really, Steve – if your listening, I just need the 5th generation style iTheolarus with built-in megaphone, because I don’t get quiet or wait long enough to listen to my own personal Counselor, and of course I’ll need to upgrade to the vibrate-to-increasing-intense-zapping option to help me out with my quick-to-babble mouth that needs to be stopped.

When was the last time a Pocket Theolarus would have helped you out?


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4 thoughts on “1-800-Theologian

  1. Since you have thought it out (at least sort of ), why don’t YOU run with it? Lots of time and work involved but, think of the possibilities. Maybe you could retire!

  2. Exactly what I was thinking at about paragraph 3 – what better person to write it than you!! Because boy could I use it (like almost every day)!!

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