This has been the year I NEVER expected.
There have been many new starts. Many have captured and overwhelmed me, heart-mind-and-soul. There has been good, bad, and ugly.
I have become aware of unconditional love and very (sadly) conditional love.
Watching it in my own life, and others.
I have learned how to let go, and how to hold on to what matters the very most.
I have learned to forgive more than ever. If I don’t let go of the things that kill my soul, then I never see what there is for me without that story.
Sometimes part of forgiveness requires that I make a boundary, else I become hurt all over again. Boundaries contain grace. Boundaries are scary. And boundaries can (and seem) to hurt the other you are forgiving. But if they only knew the selfless act that you are doing, that came with mounds of deep prayerful thought. (sigh) Boundaries help me with grace, I choose to not control and watch anymore. I let go and say I won’t hold you responsible for my weakness of anger anymore. I give grace. Make a boundary. I let go.
I have only just discovered how much more God, the Divine, the Creator does not live in a box (that I or anyone else creates for the Unfathomable). I honestly thought I really understood this already. But I keep learning more. And in the learning, the box demolishing seems to never cease.
I have been lost. I have been found. I have been fearful that I wandered off the path when the trail grew grown over. When there was no apparent footpath and markings to assure me along the way.
I try to live authentically as I can. BUT it occurred to me, that quite possibly, when the trail I’m on becomes so very indistinguishable, when nothing has gone before me except the Wind that I follow… it could possibly be my very own destiny. What I was really really meant to do. The real scary authentic thing that I am to do.
Designed just for me.
And it’s scared the living
shit daylights out of me.
(and thrilled me… but still, yeah, freakin’ scary)
And it’s not like I’ve changed that much from what I love to do: mentoring/coaching, teaching art, making art, writing… It’s just that it’s become more focused. The ways and things I used to do are dissolving.
I still… teach art.
I make art (which is changing…and it’s really hard to let others see this new stuff).
My coaching comes from a deeper place.
I write, and that is changing too.
It’s all more focused.
And it’s better.
And it’s so same, yet so different, that I have no way to go back to what I once did.
I can’t draw the innocent, wide-eyed, lollipop-head girls anymore.
They are different now. Weathered. More real. More… uncomfortable.
I heard Mark Nepo say this not too long ago, and I thought, ‘yup that’s exactly it!‘
“I went through a door–and when I turned around to go back through it, it wasn’t there. Gone….The life I lived before, the relationships, marriage, etc… there was no way to get back to the life I once lived. When I went through that door–everything changed.” (~ Mark Nepo)
Without exception, the most important people in my life have gone through a door this year. Some only did it in the last three weeks. It’s been the most awe-strucking, heart-pounding, and amazing thing to see.
As you enter the new year Sweet Soul, as you look over this current year, be okay with what has happened. It all matters. If the trail got unclear…don’t worry… I’m positive that you will be guided if you are open to something you couldn’t have manufactured or manipulated on your own.
Do the thing that was for you.
No need to compare… just do your thing.
Much hugs from me to you Sweet Soul.
Much hugs for the journey.
I look forward to you next year and the changes that are in the Wind.